i hate getting calls after i've been asleep for hours... 'cause now i can't get back to sleep... partly because i've been awakened, and partly because i'm a little bit pissed off...
so, chris left on his cross country trip today to head out west to see his family... he was already getting a late start by not leaving till 4:30pm (because he'd been out super late the night before with his hasher friends)... he had three days of driving planned to get there, and still wouldn't get to spend a full day with his SoCal fam... so, 5:00 i call him, he says a couple of words to me and hangs up... i'm thinking he was going to call me back...after about 10 minutes still no call from him so i leave a voice mail for him... over an hour later he calls and asks "did you just call?" i'm thinkin, "i just called an HOUR ago, thanks for getting back to me so soon..." sheesh... he was somewhere between goldsboro and raleigh... which after an hour and a half of driving, he should be a bit farther, but he had to stop somewhere...
so, he gets into traffic and says he'll call me back... 10pm, i call him before i head to bed... leave a msg not to call me after 10:30 that i'll be asleep... thinking that he's probably in the mountain area of NC by then he probably wouldn't be getting good cell reception, so i didn't mind that he wasn't calling me back... i'd just catch up with him sometime tomorrow...
1 fucking AM he calls me... he's just then leaving the raleigh area!!! what the hell?!?! i've been asleep for over 2 hours, and he tells me he stopped to hang out with some friends... talks to me for less than a minute then hangs up... well 15 minutes go by, and clearly i'm not getting back to sleep... so i call him up... i remind him that he was already behind on his driving schedule by leaving g'boro late... and now he's super behind and is sacrificing family time for those friends... i guess he didn't really like that i had said something about it because he hung up with out saying "good bye" or "good night" or "i love you" or anything (he does this when i say something he doesn't like - and he knows it pisses me off)... so i call him back... and say "hey, why did you just hang up like that?" and he claims he said all that stuff... whatever... so i know that may sound petty of me to expect more from him, but we're 25 freakin' years old, and i don't put up with that...
and while i'm ranting (because it's after 1am and i'm wake and not happy), i'll say that i'm not so sure i like these hasher friends... they seem to be a bad influence on him... he's hanging out with them when he shouldn't be (like tonight... and during the week, often a couple of times a week, when he was in training - driving an hour for drinking and partying on a week night isn't the best idea when you're supposed to be in flight training, in my opinion)... and check out the picture of wonder woman... notice the cigs in his arm band? now i know they didn't start him on that, but he knows i truly detest smoking... he only does it when he's drinking, but that's still too often to be a healthy flyer... but i'm only the girlfriend, what does it matter what i think???
i don't want to be one of those girlfriends who monitors everything their guy does, and who he hangs out with... but chris has let me down several times because of these friends... not calling when he says, not getting things done like he was going to... he's never offered to introduce me to them... and doesn't call them by name... just says "some friends of mine"... i got along with his hasher friends in p'cola... they were a good group of ppl... and while they were mostly girls, they knew about me, and kept him out of trouble... his new hasher friends could be all women, again, and for all i know, they know nothing about me... or maybe they don't even know he has a girlfriend... he never answers his phone when i call and he's with them... i just wish i knew something about them... maybe i'd feel better about him hanging out there... i know it's a bit of jealousy, but if he's hanging out with women, at their houses, and he's not telling me, then i feel like he's keeping it from me... and he shouldn't feel like he needs to hide anything...
i know chris loves me... and i'm pretty sure he'd never cheat on me... but this is the type of behavior my dad had when he was cheating on mom... so many times he would be out "hanging out and drinking with friends" all the while we never knew anything about the "friends"... mom could call his cell, and he would never answer her when he was with "them"... he'd miss important events, and let us down, and then would get testy when confronted with his behavior... and i see so much of my mom in me... just taking and taking and taking this behavior, and not saying anything for fear of upsetting dad... trying to be so pleasing, and doing anything for him... doing a lot more than she should have under the circumstances (do you know my mom ironed and starched the bed sheets because that's how dad liked them? talk about going above and beyond for a man)... she didn't always stand up for herself when she should have...
grrrr... this letting it all out has not helped me to be ready for sleep... i feel guilty for just spilling it all out like that... but i couldn't keep it in any longer... blah...
i love chris... i just think he forgets that there are other ppl who depend on him for things... who expect more of him than he gives... i think he forgets that he has an amazing girlfriend of 4+ years that would do anything for him (and has) and doesn't ask for much in return... along with his gal, he has family that has supported him through a lot too... and they deserve a lot more than they're getting from him...
just know that while i've just delivered this long rant, that i do love him very much... and i'm willing to stick by him through all of this... i just needed to be insecure, and jealous, and express my feelings for a bit... and when i finally get to sleep, i can wake up in the AM feeling new again, and loving him just as much as ever...
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